Welcome back to another episode of the Ask the Planner podcast, where we dive deep into the world of wedding planning. Bringing you expert insights, practical advice, and the latest trends to help you create the wedding of your dreams. Today we're joined by a distinguished etiquette expert who is answering all of your most pressing wedding etiquette questions. We are covering everything from dress codes to gifting, cultural traditions and so much more. You don't want to miss today's episode!
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EPISODE HIGHLIGHTS:
- Are etiquette rules still relevant? [6:55]
- Dress code etiquette [11:01]
- Guest list etiquette [28:50]
- Greeting guests at your wedding [38:16]
- Seating for weddings [44:00]
- Wedding gift etiquette [49:42]
- Wedding etiquette faux pas [59:14]
- Bar etiquette [1:01:01]
- Never have I ever [01:04:14]
- This or that [01:04:34]
MEET JAMILA MUSAYEVA
Jamila Musayeva is an international etiquette consultant, author, entrepreneur, and mother of two based in Azerbaijan. She attended George Washington University where she studied diplomacy and international relations and then earned her master's degree in Europe where she also became certified in etiquette in the UK. Her etiquette classes and etiquette lessons both in person and online have been transformational for those aspiring to enhance their personal and professional lives. She has written three etiquette books, Etiquette: The Least You Need to Know, Afternoon Tea Etiquette and her newest book, the Art of Entertaining at Home and hosts a popular etiquette YouTube channel nearing 1 million subscribers.
Why do you believe etiquette it's still relevant and so important?
From my personal perspective and observations with my clients, followers, and audience, people often perceive etiquette as archaic or old-fashioned. They think of etiquette as those strict rules from the past and assume it's not relevant today. When they think that etiquette is not relevant, they think the old fashioned way of dressing, of carrying yourself is not relevant, which I cannot disagree about. Yes, it's true. The old ways of doing certain things that no longer serve us are not relevant, but there are also new ways of doing things. The new etiquette is here now to teach us how to handle. Etiquette is actually a way to ease our daily lives by creating the sort of rules that all of us follow so we don't have to think or stress about what to do in a situation.
It's like a guideline or a playbook. And again, the etiquette that we are having now is very different from the etiquette we had many, many years ago. Emailing etiquette didn't exist until emails came around and now there's a whole subject on emailing etiquette. All kinds of electronics didn't exist 50-100 years before. So, there is a whole subject of communication etiquette. On social media, the phone, you name it. So the new life updates require new rules of living and etiquette is there transforming together with our lifestyle.
Why is understanding and adhering to wedding etiquette crucial for couples planning their wedding and how it would contribute to the overall success and the enjoyment of their event?
Etiquette goes both ways, it's a two-way street. It's the way you handle things or etiquette is there to put people at ease. The rules and guidelines are there to make you feel more comfortable when you arrive there or when you are there. When the couple hosting is abiding by etiquette rules, they make the life of the guests much easier, welcoming and enjoyable.
And as well, when the guests adhere to wedding etiquette rules, they put the host in a much easier situation where they don't have to stress out how to entertain each guest, how to handle extra guests that they're bringing over without asking.
There's already so much stress involved into making this big day, so when both parties know the playbook rules of handling this big event, it makes those other things much easier. Why have an extra burden on you of thinking how to handle your guests if you don't know how to do it, abiding by the wedding etiquette rules.
Etiquette is just about being considerate, being mindful and respectful towards people. We discussed this earlier, how different cultures have different rules. Knowing the etiquette is so important when you're invited to a party that is different from your culture. You find yourself stressing about the event rather than going there to enjoy it. So when you know the wedding etiquette rules, when you know how things are happening, you're so much more confident and comfortable stepping into that party. I just think it's about making life easier.
Can you explain the different wedding dress codes for European or Western weddings and what they mean for guests?
Dress codes are there to help your guests stop guessing what kind of outerwear would be appropriate for your occasion. You as the couple are planning the day, you know what the theme's going to look like and how formal the event is. If you don't have any dress code written down, your guess might be second guessing what would be appropriate for your event. They might be thinking about being super underdressed or super overdressed. So having a proper dress code that aligns with the theme and formality of your event is very important.
You would not expect to put a dress code as black tie to an event that is happening at the beach or a daytime garden party. Also you wouldn’t want your guests to come dressed in a cocktail party outfit to a super formal wedding because that would require something more formal. There's really a range of dress codes that could be appropriate depending on the formality of your wedding.
I would say the most common dress code for most weddings is cocktail. I would consider it the least formal dress code. Cocktail is really anything that is slightly more upscale than your regular casual wear would be. For a lady, a short dress, a skirt and a blouse, a jumpsuit is appropriate. Men have much more liberty in terms of any kind of pants, a shirt, a blazer, a vest, depending on the season as well. And the next formal, which is the one I see most often these days is black tie optional. Which means you allow your guests to choose between black tie or cocktail. So I'm talking about a full length gown, and a tuxedo for men.
The next last code I consider to be most formal for a wedding is black tie. For ladies, it's a full length gown, an a-line dress. It could also be perhaps a long skirt with a blouse that looks like a long dress, but nothing mini. I've seen a lot of women rock midi length dresses for a black tie and again, as fashion and etiquette is changing and evolving, this has become more acceptable. For men, however, this would be a black tuxedo with a black bow tie and shoes with a shoelace. For women, we have a little bit more liberty in what we could wear for shoes.
Open toe shoes or closed toe shoes are acceptable, but usually the more formal the event is, the more closed your shoes should be. So closed pumps, and no open toes or open slick back on your shoes.
Sometimes certain countries or certain cultures like to share their culture with others. Especially in a mixed wedding. Say it's an Indian getting married to an American in the US. A lot of people might want to include their culture and the option could be to come dressed in your national costume. So national dress or black tie, the two kind of go hand in hand in terms of their formality. I particularly like that because I find it very entertaining and enjoyable, especially if you have friends from all over the world and you want to celebrate the diversity that you have around you.
Many couples struggle with wanting guests to dress formally for outdoor weddings without making them feel uncomfortable. For sunny outdoor weddings, would you recommend black tie optional, or is that still too formal?
It depends on if the wedding ends at where it starts. So say this is a wedding with a ceremony that is outdoors, so it's on a grass and it's super sunny, very nice, but then the dinner is followed up by the reception at a formal restaurant. I've actually been to a wedding like that, and so I opted for a long black dress that was easy breezy, so I wasn't too hot in it, but also it made sure that I looked proper for the formal part of the dinner as well. You have to think about the program for the day. If it's at two different venues and if there's a big time lapse between the two, you might even have a chance to go change if you need to adapt to both events.
But if it's right after the other, you could go for something that would work both ways. So maybe you could go for a silk slip-on dress that will keep you quite light, but at the same time be appropriate for an evening event as well. So I would want to know what kind of event is ahead of me. I wouldn't want to come either super underdressed or super overdressed because it's not only you that will feel awkward about your guests showing up without looking proper for the event, but the guests will feel very inappropriate walking into the venue where everyone is super formal and they are not.
Would you recommend dressing for the more formal occasion if the ceremony is less formal but the dinner venue is more formal?
It depends on where you're going to spend the most time. So if the formal part is going to be the shorter one, then you have to look proper for the first part of the ceremony. If the first part of the ceremony is only an hour or two and the rest is three, four hours at the dinner, then I would opt to look appropriate for the dinner time. So it really is important how long you're going to be at each of these segments of the party
Some couples are starting to give specific attire for their guests, do you feel couples are asking too much? Do guests have to oblige? How would you approach that from a wedding etiquette standpoint.
If they're the ones hosting the party and it's a big event in their life, they have the liberty to choose whatever. I as a guest have to be pleased that I'm invited to be part of this big day. I would abide by any kind of dress code they come up with. But that also depends on the amount of time they give in advance.
If I'm only notified a week before about the wedding and they're asking me to wear something that is Great Gatsby theme, it might be difficult for me to find something and it would burden me with this idea that I have to find something fitting. Amidst all of that, I have my work, I have kids, and that's an extra burden on me. But if I've been told about this wedding a year ahead and the dress code is Great Gatsby, I have a whole year to search for something that would be appropriate for that event.
I actually do like dress codes. I find them very good in terms of guiding the guests, of what to expect and what to wear to be most appropriate for the occasion. And when it comes to the color theme, I think if the color is not something super specific like neon yellow or something like that or it's black or white, it's green or red, I think it's very easy these days to shop for anything in those colors. And I usually recommend, unless you want to stick to one color only, I think it's considerate to give options. So say you can come dressed in red, white or black, so a guest can choose between those three colors. So it gives options.
Is there anything guests should never wear to a wedding?
Anything too vulgar or too provoking requires common sense. Most of what I teach in wedding etiquette is just common sense. People often say it's common sense, but then you observe them at events and think, “Don't they have common sense?” It's true that many rules are outdated, but some common sense should still exist, guiding your judgment of what is appropriate.
If I'm attending an event of a very religious family, whether Christian, Orthodox Jewish, or Muslim, I will be cautious about what I wear. The event includes maybe a super modern couple but also their immediate family members like grandparents and parents. You want to ensure that you're not the talk of the wedding. The best way to be well-mannered is to be unnoticed. If people don't have anything to say about you, you've done a good job. Often, the people who create the most news are those who put on a show, and not in a good way.
I always keep in mind the culture I'm going to and any cultural superstitions, whether about colors or things I'm wearing. For example, I attended a friend's engagement party in Malaysia many years ago. It was a very traditional family household, and they advised guests to wear national costumes. I wore long pants and a long shirt-like robe, but my high heels exposed the ankle part of my feet. I was advised to wear something where the pants would cover my feet. So, last minute, I went shopping and got shorter heels to ensure my pants covered my feet. It didn't take much time, maybe two hours, but it showed respect and mindfulness for the occasion.
For more western weddings, do you think off-white creams or white with patterns are okay for guests?
Anything white or cream, even with patterns, is a big no-no. It's the color of the bride. Why take away her spotlight by wearing the same color? White symbolizes purity and innocence, the angelic look every girl dreams of for her wedding. Don't steal the spotlight. There are many other days in the year to wear white, but not on this day unless the bride specifically asks you to. Sometimes brides wear non-traditional colors like black or red and may ask guests to wear white, but otherwise, choose other colors.
As weddings become more laid-back and informal, many brides opt for simple dresses that look like slip-on silk dresses or cocktail dresses. Brides are moving away from big, elaborate dresses. If you're wearing something white or off-white, even with embroidery or patterns, it can confuse other guests. Allow the bride to shine on her day.
If the bride is wearing white, can the groom wear white too?
The couple must decide on their own. There are no strict rules about what a groom must wear. Some grooms wear their military uniform, some choose a navy tuxedo, and others opt for a custom-made velvet or burgundy tuxedo jacket. It's your day to decide what you want to wear. Once you've decided, you can set a dress code. Generally, if the event is after sunset, darker attire is more traditional. For a party at 7:00 PM, wearing something darker is typical. For a daytime beach party, a white suit or white linen pants with a shirt would be appropriate. It's up to you to decide what is suitable for the event's formality and location.
What advice do you have for couples when they're putting together their guest list?
First, decide who is carrying the financial burden for the event. Are the parents of the bride paying? The parents of the groom? Both parents or just the couple? Whoever is paying typically decides the guest list. In many Western cultures, where the couple pays for the wedding, they make the guest list, often including mostly their friends and colleagues, with a small limit for their parents' relatives and friends.
In contrast, in countries like Azerbaijan and much of the Middle East, the wedding is more of a family affair. The wedding is often for the parents to invite guests to celebrate their children, as the parents usually bear the financial burden. In Azerbaijan, for example, the groom's family typically pays for the wedding, so the guest list is larger for the groom's side than the bride's. For a wedding with 100 guests, 60 might be from the groom's side and 40 from the bride's.
When making the guest list, remember to include everyone invited to the bridal shower or engagement party. If those closest to you aren't invited to the wedding, they may wonder why and ask if they've offended you in anyway. Ensure those people are included first, then add whoever else you feel should be at your big day.
How should couples greet their guests at the wedding weekend? Are there any do's and dont's that couples should consider?
It depends on the size of the wedding. In Middle Eastern and Asian weddings, like in Azerbaijan, weddings typically have over 500 guests, making it unrealistic for the couple to greet every guest. In such cases, the couple might stop by each table to greet the entire group or walk around to greet their respective guests. They may approach tables of elderly guests or top-tier family members but might not stop by younger guests or coworkers. If it is a thousand plus guests like a big Indian wedding, they can greet them by raising a toast, and welcoming everyone. That is understandable, and the guests understand that this is a big event with a lot of people.
For smaller weddings with fewer than 100 guests, a receiving line is a beautiful way to greet guests. The couple can stand in front of the reception area and have a receiving line to greet guests as they enter. If the couple prefer not to greet guests this way, their parents can take on this role. This is common in many weddings in my country.
There may also be a seating arrangement chart outdoors and hosts to help guide guests without escorting them, to their seats while the parents greet everyone arriving.
What advice do you have for couples assigning guests to tables and seats at weddings, considering that some couples assign guests to tables while others think it's unnecessary? How do you approach seating for weddings?
Seating arrangements can be a lot of work for a couple. You might wonder how seating can be so difficult, but it requires considering who can socialize well together to ensure guests have a good time. While it takes a lot of energy and time to arrange seating, it makes the event more enjoyable for guests. Without seating arrangements, guests may not have as good a time.
I recommend having a seating arrangement to avoid chaos. It ensures everyone has a designated spot and avoids issues like someone arriving early and not getting a good view. For diplomatic dinners, it is common to separate couples, especially those married for over a year, to encourage socializing. However, for religious couples (Orthodox Jews, Muslims, or very religious Christians), keeping them together is appropriate for their cultural beliefs.
If guests don't know many people and prefer to be with their spouse, seat their spouse opposite them. This way, they are close but can't talk over the table all night. For example, someone they don't know sits next to them, and their spouse is in front of them. This encourages mingling while allowing couples to stay within each other's sight. The seating arrangement would usually be alternate between man and woman to avoid having just a girls' or boys' chat.
Should couples be kept together at a table even if one is in the wedding party and the other is not, or is it acceptable to separate them to mix things up?
It depends on how close the person is to me and how important it is to have them as my bridesmaid. People have become very sensitive and easily offended, but we need to understand that the wedding isn't about us; it's about celebrating someone else. Being offended because your spouse is in the wedding party and you're not, they've been given this honor to be in that role. So, instead, support them in this role.
As a guest, be gracious and respectful, understanding that this day is about the couple. As a partner or plus one, be present and try to enjoy the day. You're not separated by a wall, just sitting at different tables, and you'll still spend time together on the dance floor and elsewhere. Be considerate and understanding, allowing people to have their day.
What advice do you have for bringing gifts to a wedding when you're not familiar with the couple's cultural norms? How should you go about getting information, and to whom should you address your questions?
It depends on the kind of a wedding, but lately a lot of weddings have a wedding registry with all the kinds of gifts that they've picked themselves and would really want to have. Instead of trying to be overly creative, check their registry and choose something within your budget. Registries typically have a range of prices, making it easy to find something suitable. It's going to be appreciated either way because the couple have selected the gift for themselves.
If there's no registry, which is common in many Asian and Middle Eastern countries, consider giving cash. It's considered traditionally that cash is a big no-no gift. I personally find within the new realm, and also that is reflected from my culture, that cash could be the best gift for a family that is just starting. You can give them a card with the money in it or you can give them actual cash.
I see a lot of people getting home decor items, and if you've never been to their house, and you don't know what the home's going to look like, why would you get something for home decor? If I'm opting for a classical home and you're gifting me something in a modern style, it's not going to suit. I would say that gifting something that would be purposeful or needed.
I would suggest if you're not familiar with the couple's cultural norms, consult someone from their culture or ask the bride's parents or siblings for advice on what is suitable and welcomed. Taking the extra step to understand and respect their cultural preferences will be greatly appreciated.
How long after a wedding do guests have to send the couple a gift, but then also how long do couples have to send the thank you note for the gifts?
The size of the wedding affects thank-you notes. For a large wedding with a thousand guests versus a smaller party of 20 or 50, writing handwritten thank-you notes for each guest can take time. You have up to one year after the wedding to send thank-you notes and gifts, considering some couples take long honeymoons and need time to settle into their new home and unwrap gifts.
I prefer to give gifts before the wedding, using the registry to have the gift shipped to the couple ahead of time. For destination weddings without a registry, I bring a gift with me.
If someone gave you a gift, a thank-you note is a must. If a guest attended without giving a gift, sending a thank-you note is not necessary, though it's a nice gesture if you choose to do so.
Do you follow those same rules for showers or engagement parties? How long do couples have to send those thank you notes?
No, they're much faster. The expectation for receiving thank you notes is within a few days because these parties are smaller and usually don't coincide with honeymoons. Since there's no extended time away, people aren't expecting you to be out of town. The sooner you send thank you notes, the more relevant and immediate the reaction will be.
Because if you send a card a year after your bridal shower, they might even forget that they even attended that bridal shower, especially with the pace in today's world.
How much should a guest spend on a gift? Is there a dollar amount that you recommend, or how do guests decide how much they should spend?
At Azerbaijan weddings there are two boxes usually outdoors and one labeled for the bride and one is labeled for the groom and there are envelopes on it. You put the cash in and you write your name. Traditionally, you should at least cover the cost of your plate. Look at the venue, decorations, menu, and estimate the cost per person, then add another 10-20% if you want to go extra.
Some still follow this tradition, but it depends on your income and how close you are to the couple. If the person is dear to you, you might spend more. As a top-tier guest, you might be expected to give more. However, when people invite you to their wedding, they aren't thinking about how much cash you'll bring, but the value you'll add to their memorable day. If you're having a great time, dancing, and making the party fun, that's the best gift you can give.
From personal experience, I remember guests who made my wedding fun more than a super boring guest who gave a lavish gift that I probably didn’t even need. Your time, energy, and excitement are the best gifts. Of course, a more needed gift is obviously more appreciated, but it depends on what you are willing and able to afford.
What is the biggest or most common faux pas you see couples or guests make when it comes to a wedding?
Going back to dress codes, I've seen a lot of young ladies wear white. I think it is too inappropriate and something that always bugs me. But also I've seen a lot of people get drunk at weddings. They either fight or they just create some drama and it's never pleasant. You don't want to ruin someone's wedding by not being able to hold your drink. I think that's the biggest faux pa. I've seen a lot happening at weddings where alcohol is unlimited and there is an open bar. I would say, maybe it's best to limit the bar. So if you know some people will not be able to hold their alcohol.
Or as a guest, you just have to maybe dilute your drink, maybe drink a lot of water to compensate for the drinks that you've had, maybe have a good meal prior to starting drinking. I think that's probably two of the biggest things that I've seen happening at weddings.
There's different options that the couples have in terms of paying for the bar. What do you recommend?
I think as a host, you shouldn't be making your guests pay for anything at all, especially if it's a destination wedding. They traveled all across the world to be there to celebrate with you. You're the host, which means you're covering beverages, food, venue, everything, and their time and energy is the price they're paying for what you're organizing. So I don't like cash bars. I think that's not appropriate. Either you eliminate alcohol or you create a limited menu list for beverages.
You'll give them an option of beer, wine in particular, but you'll also choose from the selection that is matching your budget and you'd have it assigned, for example, X amount of wine bottles, X amount of tequila bottles. So it's not unlimited. They also have an option of having a shot or drink. That also I think will moderate how much your guests will be indulging into drinks. With an open bar and it's unlimited on what they can choose from it can go really bad because they can go from one alcohol to another and that will make them get drunk faster.
Curating the list might allow them to pace their alcohol consumption. And so it'll be easier to handle the guests that love to drink.
Wrapping Up
And there you have it. A huge thank you to our incredible guest, Jamila for generously sharing everything we need to know about wedding etiquette in 2024. As you may have picked up on, I have always loved etiquette. I went to Cotillion, I went to Miss Manners when I was in first grade. I just ate it all up and have always been a fan ever since. But I still learned a lot from this interview and I'm so grateful she was able to join me all the way from Azerbaijan, she was such a great guest. So thank you again, Jamila, for joining us.
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